The Pasture

…at least I think. Having been frustrated since I updated my Palm Pre to webOS v1.2, and then 1.2.1, and still having trouble with my photos application locking up the phone, I decided to keep digging around and see what changed between 1.1 and 1.2 that could have caused this.

Although this doesn’t explain a few of the lockups, it does explain the ones I was able to replicate, and I narrowed it down to one file that was screwing with everything…a giant bitmap that was now showing up in the Miscellaneous folder.

With the 1.2 update came added photo formats: PNG and BMP in addition to JPEG. I also happen to use the USB mode quite often to make my Pre into an 8 GB jump drive that I never lose. As a result, I had this huge bitmap file of the cover of my brother’s bike video from about two months ago that I transferred with my phone from my computer to the printing folks.

Once I updated to 1.2, my poor Pre was seeing this file in the Photos app and trying to compress this thing down to a thumbnail view and then animate it as I was going through different folders and pulling up different photos within the Miscellaneous folder. It simply took it a very long time to do so.

I was able to narrow this down when I had a profile picture not update when someone changed their picture on Facebook, so I went to FB on my phone, downloaded the image (another new 1.2 feature) and then went to designate that photo as their profile picture manually… well guess where it puts images downloaded from the web? Miscellaneous, yes. So as I tried to go grab this newly downloaded image, it would encounter that bitmap and nearly die trying to load it.

Once I deleted that bitmap, everything seems all hunky-dory. The Photos app is nice and responsive and the Miscellaneous folder in particular is just fine. I figured since my desperate tweets were seeming to be in vain, and I wasn’t encountering anyone else who was having this issue, it had to be something I was overlooking. It seemed very odd that I could be the only person in the world having this issue :P

So there we go… if anyone else has issues with their Photos app screwing up their Pre, check to see if you have any massive images that it’s trying to load to no avail ;)

http://vimeo.com/6329692

My fairly boring week was unexpectedly plunged into a 48-hour nonstop production thanks to a voicemail and a 30-minute meeting at a downtown coffee house on Tuesday. One of my best friends, Steve Severson gave my number to the architectural firm he works for—Leon Lauver + Associates—earlier this summer.

I was aware of this, and that he had shown off my work before (I think it’s mandatory to share links to lightsaber fights on YouTube in the workplace), for pretty much the entire summer. It was a call I was expecting at some point this year, but the big surprise was that this project would need to be presented 64 hours later, since their boss decided to wait until the last minute to give the go-ahead to put this whole thing together.

I met up with a gentleman, Lonn, who was in charge of the presentation, and Steve decided to show up since he had just gotten off work, and by doing so was put on the project and allowed to work on company time around the clock with me and not have to be stuck in the office drawing hotels the rest of the week. Basically, our Chamber of Commerce is putting up a new building and are currently selecting a firm to design it. Obviously our role then was to convince them to choose Leon Lauver (the only local firm) over the guys in Omaha and Lincoln competing for the job.

Lonn went off to write the crap out of a script for a voice-over, and Steve and I started formulating our game plan outside the coffee shop, including the decision to ask my sister-in-law (who is on one of our local radio stations) to do the voice-over…and who just so happened to drive by and see us talking, at which point she parked and we were able to ask her right then and there. She immediately called her former teacher and my former boss and booked one of the college recording studios for us at 3:00 the following day.

I then called my other former boss and requested the use of an HVR-Z1U (probably my favorite camera for videography BTW) and a camera crane. By nightfall, I had equipment at home and I was digging through Soundtrack Pro for any music track we could possibly use for the project.

The next morning began about 9 AM and didn’t stop for 48 hours. We were filming in the rain (http://twitpic.com/fc2tf), recording in a VERY nice studio (http://twitpic.com/fd8g1), which I remember them building when I used to work for the teacher of the audio program, building VFX shots in the middle of the night (http://twitpic.com/ffbwm), and then shooting even more stuff all over town the next day.

It was eventually presented BARELY on time (like, if I had clicked render a minute or two later, we would have looked bad), and Steve and I received gracious compliments; I think one chamber member had a hard time believing we were the ones who actually put the whole thing together…remember we’re both 21 and I look about 16. Another member asked me what software I used (Final Cut FTW! :) ).

Notes…

A couple noteworthy things to mention is again, the fact that we had TWO FREAKING DAYS TO DO THIS. The nature of the project also made it difficult to figure out what to show visually. It’s essentially a concept pitch…but without too much concept because we couldn’t go to them and go “here’s what we already have designed.” That’s not the point. The point is to get the job, then ask them what they want.

I had no problem going “Power Point on steroids” for certain parts originally because I had a lot of neat motion graphics in mind, and Lonn was on the same page in describing graphics he wanted to see. We even dug through Motion’s content folder and found a lot of elements we wanted to incorporate, which we wanted to do in 3D.

But that two-day schedule really didn’t agree with us (can you believe the opening VFX shot (which probably screams Andrew Kramer, I know; his tutorial saved my butt when I was having trouble :P ) actually took the least amount of time other than the voice-over recording?). We ended up just resorting to mixing pretty much every 3D Motion template available for anything that was missing fitting imagery.

I was bummed that a couple of things were shot down, such as my suggestion to have video of their drafters and architects actually like, you know, drafting things. It was my professional opinion that it was necessary and perfectly fitting, and as a result of NOT having it, we were forced to put more bullet points up which ate up valuable editing time, drove down overall production value and ultimately began to waver peoples’ attention span I think (it did mine for sure). As such, you’ll notice the Vimeo version ends a bit abruptly; it’s actually cut 4 minutes short because the rest is the boring titles that I personally find embarrassing to present :P In fact there was even one set of titles that we missed and didn’t notice until the final presentation that we just had the temporary FCP titles…doh!

Overall though it was a great experience, and I look forward to doing more work for the firm, as they have also expressed great interest in partnering up for more presentations like this in the future, albeit with a little more time to plan out and do the work ;)

Lonn and Steve were great to work with; Lonn is an artist himself so we consistently saw eye-to-eye, and as I said Steve is one of my best friends so we’ve done tons of projects together just for fun as well as for school back in the day. They were both very considerate of the process, and every suggestion or request was accompanied by “do we have time to…” or “would it be at all possible…” etc.

Definitely a client that didn’t result in any complaining from my part, other than the ridiculously tight schedule, but everyone involved was under that same pressure, so we all just sucked it up and hit the ground running. I think they particularly enjoyed being able to sip their coffee and chill on the couch as I had video going to the HD projector and onto our 9 ft screen, hehe…

http://vimeo.com/6329692

So I have now been a Palm Pre user for about 36 hours.  I won’t bore you with my experience of getting the last one in stock or how quickly money went into and out of my bank account, I’ll just jump into what stands out in the phone and what I think could use improvement.

Hardware

The first thing that I noticed when I first held a Pre, which was about a week before purchasing, was the size.  It is indeed quite small.  I don’t think the screen is too tiny as many iPhone folks say, after all the resolution is the same, so the Pre is just crisper.  Take THAT you pixelated pricks! :P

Another thing that took me by surprise is how thin it is.  Now it’s no iPod touch or Motorola Q or anything, but it’s smaller than it looks in any picture on the internet.  Something is definitely lost in translation, so don’t let anyone call it fat.  It’s not.

The keyboard is something I’ll be a lot nicer about than pretty much every review of the phone ever.  It’s not the smallest keyboard in the world.  Try a Centro.  THAT thing is tiny.  The keyboard on the Pre is pretty much the same size as the BlackBerry Curve, which is the phone I just ditched.  The keys are softer, which is weird at first, but I’m finding it great for quick typing.  Using my fingernail at times, I don’t ever slip off the keys due to the rubbery surface.

The keys are also fairly flat, which is perfectly fine.  I don’t know what people are trying to do when they say the screen piece is in the way of the top row of keys.  There is ample space unless you’re trying to type like…well, I can’t think of any normal way of typing where that would cause an issue, so I think those people are smoking something.  The biggest hurdle with the keyboard for me has just been retraining myself where some of the symbols are.  No double tapping the space bar for a period is a bummer too.

Software

Regarding the operating system…yeah, some thought was put into this.  Navigating around WebOS is like running around a mansion where every room has 6 different doors.  Everywhere you look, things are linking together to provide one hell of a clean phone.  After syncing a total of probably 400 contact entries between Facebook and Gmail, I had maybe four duplicates and had to manually add about five contacts that were on my BlackBerry.  Now that’s what I call syncing!

One feature I was happy to hear about that I’ve had on my BlackBerry all along is the speed dial.  Each key can be assigned to a contact, except for E, which is reserved for Voicemail and impossible to change, which sucks because one of my most frequently called contacts is my brother Eric.  He is now V.  On my BlackBerry, it was always great holding a letter down for a second and then hearing it dial all ten digits very quickly.  The Pre not so sleek there.  I’ll hold a letter down, at which point universal search initially pops up with that contact, then it goes into the phone app and displays the keypad for a second before finally showing the contact’s picture and saying “dialing…”  Could be a wee bit snappier for my liking, but it does what’s supposed to.

Overall the OS seems like it could be snappier.  You can see it in the videos online, but I—like everyone else it seems—do not feel a little sluggishness destroys the experience of the phone.  Compared to how slow my BlackBerry has been these past few months, the Pre’s CONSISTENT delay on loading this is a breath of fresh air.  Sometimes my BlackBerry would simply fail to do whatever I told it to until it froze up, requiring me to pop the battery.  Taking two seconds to pull up my messages card is no big deal.

Card View

Speaking of cards, card view is simply awesome.  And like I said about multiple ways of doing things, there’s at least three different ways to get there.  Pressing the center button is the one they always show.  But in addition to that, you can swipe your finger from the center button up the screen and you’ll go into card view.  Repeat that gesture in card view, and you pull up the launcher (or you can just tap the launcher icon).  Drag your finger from the gesture zone and keep holding down, and you get the fancy quick launch wave.  Finally, while on the main screen of an app, you can do the back gesture (swiping from right to left on half of the gesture zone) and it’ll take you back to card view.

Yeah…like I said…lots of ways to do things, and they all feel very related to each other.  Once you have the key gestures down, the rest of the phone is very intuitive.  For instance, I was in the memos app and jotted a note down, but when I finished I saw no way of saving it, so I just swiped back and there was my new note on the neat little bulletin board.

There’s really only one main complaint I have, which is the battery life.  To begin with, it’s not the greatest in the world; definitely not capable of lasting two days without a charge like my BlackBerry was.  But it’s also not the best time to make an accurate call, as I’m on the thing constantly because it’s my shiny new toy.  As I ease into more conservative use, and less wifi usage, I’m sure it’ll suit me, especially if I get a car charger (my BlackBerry one won’t fit the Pre’s non-standard port).

Exaggerated Claims

Most of the things people are really complaining about are horribly horribly exaggerated.  Like the sharp edge on the keboard…you won’t notice anything unless you’re actually feeling around for said sharpness.  Even so, it’s no sharper than the edge of an aluminum Apple keyboard.  It is certainly not something you’ll accidentally slice yourself on while twittering.

The other big thing I was hearing about was the charging port cover.  Probably another story of someone not knowing how such simple mechanics work, breaking it, and then crying wolf.  Seriously moronic to complain so much.  The cover opens up, rotates 180 degrees counter-clockwise, and allows the charger to fit perfectly.  When done, it rotates back and securely snaps into place.  Palm: 2, Bitter Reviewers: 0.

Also, the accusations that the general build quality of the phone is plasticky and cheap are full of crap.  Picking this thing up should be the first indicator that it is anything but cheap.  It has some weight to it; about the same as the first generation iPod touch.  The slide mechanism snaps into place both ways just fine, and the little bit of wiggle room is normal for any slider phone…maybe you should try a few others before ragging on the Pre, you iPhone fanboys :P

Random Last Train of Thought

Other than that, the rest of the stuff I can cover without having to dive into much detail: the browser is just like Safari on the iPhone (it’s WebKit), the camera is fantastic (see my most recent TwitPics - http://twitpic.com/photos/natecow ), the threaded SMS/IM is flawless, the location services are extremely accurate, it syncs with iTunes and acts as a jump drive (media dumped to it either way will find its way to Music, Videos or Photos), the notification tray is non intrusive and easy to ignore (unlike BlackBerry’s new message light) and the screen is absolutely gorgeous.  I had many comments the first day that the home screen looks fake until you touch it and things start moving :P

Overall, I’m loving my phone for probably the first time since I got my Helio Hero, which was my first real cell phone after using a Tracfone for 9 months.  Where everything else seemed to fall short (okay, yes, my BlackBerry was a CrackBerry for about 6 months until I saw the Pre, but the iPhone was always the holy grail before then, however unattainable due to no AT&T), the Pre seems to actually do the things I want.  I sold my iPod touch back in March, so I’ve been without a means of showing off my demo reel at any time, and now the exact same m4v files play perfectly on my phone, giving me virtual business card on steroids once more, this time with a speaker! :P

So…I’m about to turn 21 and a year ago I was roughly $10,000 in debt: two credit cards and a line of credit maxed out, a personal loan, car loan, student loan (only one semester’s worth) and another small line of credit.

When I acquired all this, I was working full-time as a video editor making plenty to keep up with all the payments.  Then just before Christmas 2007 I was suddenly let go.  I was contract labor so I was on my own.  I got a couple small freelance gigs, sold my 24” Dell display, and barely squeezed by until I got a job doing ad design for a grocery chain based here in town.

I worked that and slowly got back on my feet.  Three months into that, right as I was caught up with my bills, I quit and flew out to LA for a job that was offered to me.  I had a lot of fun out there and managed to bring home a couple thousand to continue paying off my bills at the end of the summer.

Long story short, I’ve been freelancing ever since here in Norfolk, NE.  It’s far from easy, and it is very much a feast or famine lifestyle…but I love the lack of routine and can’t stand working some regular job week after week, month after month.

Anyway, I’m now down to about $5,000 of debt I believe, and can foresee being debt free in the next six months…exciting :D  My credit is totally screwed, but I’m not too bummed because I don’t intend on applying for any new credit cards or loans anytime soon.

What’s frustrating right now is this vicious cycle of my two checking accounts going overdrawn a little bit, and then waiting…and waiting…and waiting for whatever check I’m expecting to show up while each bank slams me with overdraft fees everyday.  Then when all this money does show up, half of it just goes to the bank to get me out of the hole.  DOH!

I called US Bank today to apply for overdraft protection…even $100-200 worth would be fine, just to save me from the fees.  But guess what.  I don’t make enough income every year to even APPLY for it.  K thx bye.

But you know what?  I’m fine with that.  At least I’m not depending on the state and all your tax dollars to help me get my stupid ass out of a financial pickle.  I’m not to be looking to the state or anyone else but God to help me here.

“The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands.  You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.” -Deuteronomy 28:12

Now this is the Lord speaking to Isreal, and does indeed refer to the debt of a nation, but this entire chapter can be applied to us on a personal level as well.  Let’s backup about 20 chapters…

“You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.” -Deuteronomy 8:17-18

In 2007, I did not have a relationship with God.  I hardly went to Church or took part in any group of fellowship.  I was prideful.  I was so quick to recognize what I had supposedly done to get to where I was, and I had a better credit score than my parents.  What happened?  I went into tremendous debt…tremendous for a 19 year old anyway.

I recognize now that if I hadn’t gone to God for help, and recognized that he gave me my talent, I don’t think I would be on my way out of debt right now, nor would I be able to do the type of work I’m doing to do so.  I’d probably be stuck going back to ad designing for less money than some of my friends are making in fast food.

Instead I’ve been blessed enough to do something I love and am good at, and at over $20/hour.  I tried to go to the state today and apply for overdraft protection…They didn’t come to my aid, because it’s not the state’s job.  They are not my God.

I’m a McCain voter and I’ll talk about the issues, 

the War, its a Just war thats helping a lot of people, but because it’s unpopular Obama wants to pull us out. in WW1 and 2, we were fighting to protect white people, in Korea, Vietnam, and know, we’re fighting to protect non whites, liberals only have a problem when we are fighting to prtect non whites. your ilk is racist. the Nazi’s the Communists, and the Terrorists are pretty much equal evil, anyone with a brain agrees with that. its just the color of the skin that matters to you. 

Socialism is wrong, welfare, social security, national health care, its wrong we are only entitled to life liberty and the pursuit of property, nothing more. 

these are the two main issues in this election the war and the economy.

____________________

I am just baffled by the “WTFness” of this post, and thought others may want to see it.  This came after weeks of my calling McCain supporters out to stop turning to the distractions their campaign is feeding them and answer me some questions about real issues and what McCain intends to do.

This guy clearly failed in so many ways it’s like a car accident you just can’t take your eyes off of.

I’m going to pose some questions to the diehard McCain/Palin supporters; the ones who do nothing but proclaim anti-Obama propaganda. And then I’m going to pepper this note with links so you know where I’m getting my information, and in the process I think I’ll paint a pretty accurate picture as to how you’re viewing this election, because I have not yet come upon a single McCain supporter who has proved me otherwise because no one ever has the balls to sit there and defend themselves in a political debate with a 20-year-old, college drop-out, first-time voter.

First off: do you support President Bush and how he’s led this country over the past eight years? Do you remember the reasons we were given as to why we invaded Iraq in the first place? Better yet, do you remember who attacked us on 9/11 and where they were from? If you said “no” to that first question and can answer the rest accurately, why are you voting for John McCain, who voted with President Bush over 90% of the time? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PluoMotgl2w)

Obama was right all along in opposing the war in Iraq from the beginning. McCain, like Bush, was dead wrong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG1aOORf8Pc). We should have continued pursuing Bin Laden in Afghanistan when we nearly had him… remember him? The guy who actually attacked us after we gave him weapons back in the 80s? Instead we invaded a country that never attacked us, never threatened us, and explicitly did not harbor terrorists. Hussein actually kept terrorists out of his country. (http://thinkprogress.org/2006/09/10/phase-ii-report-conclusion/)

Now regarding the economy… where to begin? McCain has said himself that he doesn’t know as much about the economy as he does foreign policy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2X9LypdiQFo) (and considering how wrong he was on the war, I can’t imagine how little he knows about the economy; probably less than me). Think about it: if he voted with the President 90% of the time and the President’s approval ratings are the lowest in history, how the hell could he possibly get elected?

He sees nothing wrong with continuing Bush’s “trickle-down” policy… giving tax breaks to big corporations and the wealthiest of Americans, which has clearly failed to work. People, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is called “insanity.” And I highly doubt anyone reading this is a big corporation or among the top few percent of Americans. Seriously, look at how much you make; I bet it’s under a quarter-million dollars a year isn’t it? Guess what that means… you will see the biggest tax break under President Obama.

McCain knows we know this, so what’s his strategy? Distract us from the issues. They’re actively bringing up all kinds of stuff that does not matter to the election, and every McCain supporter I’ve met has completely fallen for it (http://thinkprogress.org/2008/10/06/mccain-economy-lost/). And what happens when a distraction fails and Obama’s numbers go up? They find a new distraction, the latest being all the socialist scare tactics. And when asked point-blank about it, McCain says he doesn’t really believe it! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2ZGnM2oku8)

And regarding that socialist stuff… accusing Obama of socialism offends real socialists (http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=189688), so cut it out. Plus, real socialists will point out how far from socialist Obama is. If you want to see an example of “socialist ideas” like “spreading the wealth” in action, look at the vice presidential candidate you’re supporting. She’s the governor of Alaska, nicknamed “America’s Socialist State.” (http://www.ohboyobama.com/Publicity/Palins-share-the-wealth-quote)

So answer me this, and this should be the subject of discussion if anyone chooses to comment: if we wake up on November 5th, and we have a President Elect John McCain (unlikely), what can I actually expect him to do when he’s in office? What the hell is the guy offering? I seem to remember what he was offering a year ago when I was researching candidates, but it wasn’t much different from the last eight years, so he was out in my book. Now, he won’t talk about his policies at all.

He and Governor Palin spend every stump speech talking about Senator Obama; they aren’t telling us what they’re going to do. And that, my friends, is a complete disgrace to us voters. So if you want to enlighten me as to a real reason you’re supporting McCain, that’d be awesome, because none of you have done so yet, and McCain doesn’t seem to be touting anything at his rallies other than why not to vote for Obama.

Do something you can be proud of: for once, vote for someone and not just against the other guy. If you’re just going to vote against someone, don’t vote.

Okay, the GOP is getting very whiney lately and I’d really like them to just shut up and let democracy do what it does best.  You can’t run around declaring everyone is “in the tank” for Obama.  Have you guys ever stopped and thought “hm, maybe this country supports him and not us?”

Because, you know, you’re current guy, that cowboy who’s sitting in the White House right now with the lowest approval rating in history?  Yeah, him?  He kinda shares a lot of opinions with your current candidate, and uh, I just don’t think that’s going to fly come November 4, no matter what the stupid worthless polls say right now.

And don’t think we haven’t noticed you’re scared.  Trying to stop debates, especially with your incredibly-unqualified Vice Presidential nominee who writes her own parodies for Saturday Night Live, trying to stop same-day registration and voting in battleground states, trying to stop early voting which has shown a tremendous turnout of young voters which I’m pretty sure are not voting for you.  Yeah, you’re shitting your pants, and frankly, I’m glad.  It’s time we make the government fear the people again.

I mean, I wasn’t around, but did the Democrats cry like little bitches that everyone was “in the tank” for Nixon or Reagan in ‘72 or ‘84?  Seriously, maybe we’re about to see the Democrats sweep the electoral map because this country is sick of the last eight years of your Republican bullshit and total disregard for the Constitution.  And hey, that’s probably a really good thing.

Imagine how we’d look to the rest of the world: overwhelming support by the people to elect a dramatically different leader, ergo showing that they didn’t agree with their own government over the past eight years… maybe the American people aren’t so bad after all!  And news flash: talk to anyone outside the US about our election.  I think the entire world is “in the tank” for Obama.

STFU.

//signs early ballot application to cast vote for Obama/Biden ‘08.

It’s nearly the dawn of my day; midnight by the mortal’s reckoning. I sit quietly in the midst of my domain… some call it “my mom’s basement,” but they will eat those words someday, mark MY words. What exactly you’re supposed to mark them with, I neither know nor care. Maybe a sharpie. Or maybe one of those trio highlighters… you know, the scented kind… the kind that seems to say to kids “here, get used to sniffing markers, it’s okay.” In fact, I retract my thoughts on the matter. Mark my words with a highlighter, they’ll be more noticeable that way. If you marked my words with a sharpie then they’d be all blocked out like those CIA documents when they’re shown on 60 Minutes. If that happened we would have no way of proving that I said some would eat their words of describing my lair as a mere basement of my maternal figure.

As I await the upload to the tubes of a rather large file, I ponder what sort of new information I could divulge to my team awaiting said file in regards to our recent plans for TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! See, we start every night by reciting our theme song in German (yes, our team has a theme song, shut the fuck up, no one asked you). Everything after that is either so top secret that I would have to kill you if I told you, or its sheer awesomeness would be too much for your mortal soul to comprehend, and it would kill you anyway.

Suddenly, through the darkness I hear a sound—*krr-chsshh*—DEAR GOD! I whirl around in my office chair with lightning-fast reflexes like the ninja I am. With my deathly stare I stop the intruder dead in his tracks. It’s…HIM. There, frozen in my gaze, the nephew of my mortal enemy… Mini Angel of Death. Why yes, he is only a miniature version, but an Angel of Death nonetheless. And there, in my doorway, he holds a priceless relic… a frosty carbonated beverage, canned on the summit of Mt Dew. My LAST Dew.

Unfortunately due to my being a child prodigy in my area of expertise and having slain my master in a sparring session before my training was ever fully complete, I only lack the ability to freeze time for a few seconds, so I must act quickly. The most effective weapon against any Angel of Death is a fork… the bigger the better. However there was only one fork in the room… my giant fork, gifted to me by the Angel of Death himself, unbeknownst to him that it would someday become the symbol of his mortality.

But my giant fork is out of reach: in the window sill across the room, and if I let this tiny adversary out of my sight he will surely slip out of my grasp and return with reinforcements, plunging the ninjas and death into our inevitable war. And as far as I know the great rabbids, wielders of the plunger, are in death’s camp tonight. Those traitorous furballs, switching sides like a seesaw even in the midst of a battle. They can’t be relied on by anyone really, but when they DO fight for you, it’s worth it. Their battle cry alone instills fear in the most hardened war heros: “DAAAAAHHHH!!!!’ they screech, beating wildly with deadly pink plungers imported from France.

But no, no I can’t risk open war. I’ll have to do it the old fashioned way. My gaze pierces the Angel of Death like a thousand knives. But not like how Jack described icy water when he talked Rose out of jumping off the back of the ship in Titanic. No, this is something much less gay. Finally, a mere 1.42 seconds after I heard the opening of one of my most treasured findings in my campaign of doom, I spring from my chair, launching my body at the thief.

No use in traditional ninja practices, he’s already seen me. I do my best to mimic the cry of a rabbid. “DAAAHHH!!!” Every fiber of my being is hellbent on one thing and one thing only: getting that Mountain Dew back before he leaks the secret to the enemy. After all it is the secret to my ninja abilities… lurking in the midst of the enemy in the dead of night without the slightest hint of fatigue, deadly speed, and above all, the willingness to believe things like flying are really possible.

But alas, it appears this night prowler of death has deciphered a hint of our secrets by the simple act of holding a Dew. Something tells me it’s too late… perhaps it is how the Angel of Death vanishes as quickly as I attacked, and I ram my head into the wall behind his void. I fall to the ground, defeated. I realize there is only one way to cope with this. Sadly that requires Mountain Dew. I dawdle over to the robbed refrigerator, and merely settle for a Pepsi.

Returning to my desk, an instant message awaits me.

“Was werden wir heute abend tun, Gehirn?” they ask.
I reluctantly reply “Die gleiche Sache tun wir jede Nacht, kleinen Finger. Versuchen Sie, die Welt zu übernehmen!”

Okay, seriously you fucking media.  I will beat the shit out of every last person who takes Obama’s “lipstick on a pig” statement out of context.  Do it.  Try it one more time.  I will walk into CNN headquarters, kick everyone in the nuts, and then proceed to punch every anchor in the face in addition to a kick in the nuts.

I am watching Lou Dobbs live as I type this, and they just took Obama’s remarks where he said “enough is enough” and they managed to even take THAT and distort it.  They consistently take out where Obama actually states that his comment was regarding McCain’s economic policies, NOT Sarah Palin as the McCain campaign (and clearly the media) are assuming and spreading around like fact.

Seriously, I so hope the American people can wake up and see what’s going on everyday in front of their very eyes.  CNN is the one news outlet I semi-trust, but even they miss the point and totally fuck everything over to the point where I seriously lose hope in humanity.